My Declaration of Independence

I decided a few days ago that I was going to start taking my work seriously again. I am tired of fighting that duality of feeling that comes with being pulled in several direction and shoulds at once. But I made my list, and I gave up my job of being the homemaker of the house. I delegated the shopping, and have allowed myself to be the writer slash historian. Dull stuff, right. But I find that ball of anger in my belly when I kept trying to be everything to everyone in my house...gone. This is who I am, and I guess people in my house are going to have to learn to do some things on thier own. I don't mean this in a hostile way--and I am not going to state any particulars in case my family reads this later. But...I am not the housewife, anymore. I will take care of myself and my stuff, but I have abdicated the roles I usually do. This post is a formal declaration of my freedom. I have spent 50 years trying to please others while trying to please me. Now, I will please myself in the next 50 years. I don't mean that I won't still be my husband's wife, etc. I will. No, this is more of a rearrangement of priorities--to think more like a man-- to finially put myself first, then if I have time--I will take care of rest of it. My husband is okay with this, but he isn't the only member of my family right now.

On the Astor side of things, I have a ton of information to shift through and it's going to take time to get through all of it. But I am very excited by all of  it, even knowing that it's going to take so much time.

Oh, and tomorrow I will start posting about my Titanic trip. It has pictures and it's wonderful. See you then.

More same

Still, working on working on getting back to writing. It's hard when nothing is as it ought, and the house needs cleaning and the husband is now retired, and we have a 4-year old grandson to look after. I wouldn't change any of it, but...I still haven't carved out my space and my place and my habit. So many ands...for not so many thoughts.

Minor Update

I am still working on the first draft of Madeleine and Jack, and that has been crazy hard. But I couldn't have done it if I had done the research I did. I wish I could have finished it but circumstances prevented it and here I am, waiting again. Perhaps there is a reason, just as I am sure that last summer was the right time to go to Rhinebeck. I got to see it at its most perfect, and even got interviewed twice on my favorite topic which gave me 'chops' with my husband. I have begun to think that fame with your family is the only real fame a person needs. If a million people know my name, but I don't know them -- what good is it? If my family respects me, then I've got more than I need. :)

Rhinebeck, part 1

We arrived at Rhinebeck and I sent an e-mail to everyone that I had made contact with. Ms. Hammers, of course was the most important, I needed to set that appointment first so that the rest would fall into place. She couldn't see me that day or the next but we set it for that Friday. I also set up times to meet with Mr. Mann with the Rhinebeck historical society. We drove around Rhinebeck looking at various places and trying to figure out what was what and where and I was as excited as a little girl. I found the Astor Gate house, (looked like a ginger bread house.) Rhinebeck was a hive of historical places to go see and do. I will make a point of seeing more and doing more the next time I go. I went to the W. House (spelling, sorry) to pick up a letter but the curator wasn't there. He did send me the letters that he mentioned to me later. I went to the Church of the Messiah, and found the Astor window. I found a woman who used to be a lawyer who told me about a dispute with Trinity Church over valuable property it owned with the Astors. I asked her to dig up the info for me but haven't heard from her -- I gave her my business card...this is something I will look up with I can with the Trinity Church when I go to New York. I did not get a chance to meet with Mr. Fraiser. Nor did I get a chance to look at Church records. This is what I will do when I go back.

Astor Court is tomorrow.

Washington

We got a motel outside of D.C. since we did not want to drive into the capital. It had to be the hottest day of the year! We took a train into the city. From there we went to the Library of Congress. We had to get an ID card before we could go to the reading room that had my material. It took longer to get the ID card than it did for me to locate my material and go through it. After that, we had an expensive snack and headed for the Smithsonian, on the subway again. When we arrived at the mall, both Richard and I were out of sorts from the heat. I just couldn't face more of the heat and having to walk who knew how far since I wasn't totally sure which museum of the Smithsonian I needed to go to. I suggested that we go back to the hotel, and Richard quickly agreed. The next day, off to Rhinebeck in New York.

Home again

I cut the trip short for reasons I don't want to get into. Well, some I can share with you -- My husband was more than ready to come home, and it just felt right to do so. It was good we did.
On Thursday before, my person who was taking care of our animals called and complained that someone was in the house and was also feeding our animals - she was worried that something might be missing and we'd blame her. This got her mad and she said she wasn't going to do it anymore. I couldn't get ahold of my person (who I am not naming as she might, might, see this and also because I don't want to cause trouble in the family. ) and I called my mother to tell my person that I absolutely trusted her ...and I assumed that she would continue feeding the animals as it has been in the hundreds during the day. Water is a big issue right now.
When we arrived home, the woman that we had adopted our dogs from was here feeding and watering them, (and had been every day since the first when my person apparently quit) and instantly I knew what happened. When she came to check on the dogs, she fed them and watered them. Okay, but doing that pissed off the person we had asked and thereby quit. I wasn't happy to see the woman. She thought we'd be happy she'd been feeding and watering them -- but she caused the situation in the first place.

My husband is pissed at the person we got to take care of the animals and says he doesn't want to use her again. But I know that if I don't ask again, that this, also, will offend that person. *Sigh* How do I keep everybody happy? I am not going to be able to.

I will start filling in the posts I missed due to a hotel having horrible Internet connections, and me being bone-tired (another reason to come home.) I met a lot of people just like me, and that were willing to be of help. I didn't quite get all I wanted at Rhinebeck, but I got a heck of a lot more than I thought I would get, and this gives me a reason to go back. I have to, anyway. To look at church records and to meet another historian that is a meticulous accurate in her Astor lore. That is what I was told, anyway. Tomorrow, tomorrow.

Dixie Plantation

We checked out of the hotel, and went to breakfast. Bernie called and we managed to get our 3 o'clock appointment changed to right then about 11. We met him in front of his office and after getting instructions to a laundry for Richard--(he didn't want to take the tour so got stuck doing laundry.) Bernie and I yacked the whole way there and back - about Dixie, the Astors, the Dicks, etc. I taught him some stuff about the Astors and he taught me a whole lot about Dixie.

On the driveway to the house, I found an amazing Nautilus shell in perfect condition - miles away from a beach. Bernie let me keep it. It felt like a gift from Madeleine for visiting her place.

The Plantation - which I do have photos and I will post soon, was absolutely amazing place. Full of old oaks with moss hanging down, wildlife everywhere, different types of waterways - salt, brackish, fresh, so the wildlife had plenty of choices, birds, turtles and even an 3 ft alligator. It was peaceful and would make an excellent writer's retreat. I promised if I got rich I would endow a cottage and Bernie promised I could come and stay whenever I wanted if I did so. :)

The College of Charleston has excellent plans to develop it, but is handicapped by money issues; but they are working on it -- by trying to get donations and by various projects to use the place in the way John Henry Dick intended it to be used, i.e. as a nature preserve. The property is worth 20 million dollars as it stands, it'd be worth 100 million if the conservation easement was off.

I have to keep this entry short as we drove all day to Washington and am crashing in a very cheap hotel. It's a circle 8 but on the edge of being totally safe. It's clean, but ...the bullet proof glass in the check-in area made us both nervous.